For the past ten years I’ve come off and on dating apps since ending a seven and half year relationship that I thought was “the one.” I’ve had two year relationships, six month relationships, six week rendezvouses and six minute moments. But nothing has stuck. The energy I’ve brought to the table hasn’t been matched. And here’s the thing. I know I don’t ask too much because I’ve seen it’s possible. I know what I can expect and it’s not being delivered on the other side of the table. But, I kept the hope alive, thinking one swiping night might be the one that changes it all. But then I fell into a trap, a time trap. The endless hours swiping, countless more texting and only a handful of those digital interactions result in a face to face end game. And let’s just say it, shall we? Only about 1% of people on dating apps these days actually have the balls to meet up in person. And yes, I do mean balls… I’m talking about the men out there right now, but after talking to my guy friends, it seems the same can be said for women not stepping up to the plate. Most people seem to be feeding their ego, making matches and then retreating into nothingness. But, my god the time spent figuring it all out is exhausting.
Folks, I’m tired of being tired. It’s time for a change.
And here’s where I have to take my hat off to talking to the right person at the right time. The universe has a funny way of showing up. Last week I had a long conversation about the state of dating with someone I’d trust to give me guidance more than anyone else and he dropped a bombshell that quite literally cracked open my year ahead.
His advice was simple and it was more a question than anything else… “think about all the hours you’ve put into this over the years and what could have been achieved with those hours put into absolutely anything else.” Instantly my brain drifted into what I could have achieved with my business. And for one hot minute I was angry.
My hopes and dreams of finding “the one,” the missing puzzle piece, the big hearted man of my dreams, has brought adventure, joy and wildly romantic moments over the years which I in no way regret. I have met some amazing people and most of them are still in my life. To you, my gentlemen friends, I am thankful. Thankful that you are in my life but not afraid to say we were both disappointed by the end result. But, if I could go back and do it all again, I would have never downloaded a dating app. Ever. Because ultimately it is simply a time suck, another way in which our phones draw us in.
Now, for some this has been the miracle cure for dating. I know plenty. I’ve been to countless weddings, heard endless stories of soul mate discoveries. And I am in no way discounting that magic. You’re the lucky ones. And in reality I think the universe would have found a way to put you together without a dating app but that’s just ended up being your fast tracked way to each other. Brilliant and beautiful! These days, however, the stories are few and far between. I sit with girlfriends and guy friends and hear the same old story… I’m tired. This is exhausting. Where are they? And how can I be hearing this from both sexes? We’re all on here, we’re all frustrated. Clearly it’s broken. The system is rigged. Or is it…
Maybe it was never meant to work. Let’s play devil’s advocate here. The dating apps don’t really want you to delete them. That’s a nice tagline but it simply isn’t true is it? These guys need us all to be single. They need us to be hopeless romantics and they need us to go on dates and come back hunting for more. My negative Nancy on my left shoulder is telling me that the dating apps are pairing us all with the wrong people for a reason. They’re hiding the true potential. And I can’t say that I blame them. They are, after all, here to make money, not to wish for the romantic success of all their patrons.
So maybe it’s all a setup. Or maybe it isn’t. But I’ve decided to delete them.
Down goes the celeb dating app… don’t even get me started. Who knew some male celebrities needed more reassurance than a teenage girl? Off I go with the swipe app… honestly the amount of married men pretending not to be married! And the one where the woman has to speak first can do one. I’m bringing it back to real life and mainly because I don’t want to give any of these apps my time anymore… and time is 100 percent money. This is your life. You only get one! What on earth are we all doing wasting it with our eyes buried in a sea of still images that show us nothing really about the person we’re swiping on?
This all begs the question what do we do next. And I have a really simple answer. And it’s going to be painful to hear and it’s going to hurt. So here we go. Brace yourselves.
Get the F*ck off your sofas and go out in the world!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop sitting at home, scrolling and swiping and sinking into a social safeness that ultimately, I believe, turns into social sadness and insecurity and do the following instead…
Every single morning you wake up, you have a choice in how you want to see the day ahead and for dating, I think there are only two categories here.
Option 1:
You can wake up and feel sad. You are alone. You’re waking up alone. The day ahead is alone and you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life alone. Poor you.
Option 2:
You can wake up and feel excited. Read that again. You can wake up and feel excited. First of all, you woke up. That’s worth being excited about but that’s a message for another day. Secondly, you have no idea what the day ahead is going to bring. From the moment you walk outside your front door, anything is possible. The key here is being open to it and being excited about. This might be the last morning you wake up all on your own. So actually, spread your limbs onto all four corners of that bed and enjoy every second of that big space to yourself. Then step outside open and excited about the idea that you could be getting coffee, running for the tube, sitting down for lunch or simply walking down the street and you could run into the person you’ve been hoping to swipe on for the past decade.
My mom always used to say “you’re not gonna find mr right sitting at home on your sofa” and damn it all she was right. The point being that you have to open yourself up to anything. If you tell the world around you that you are sad and single, my friend, nothing will change. That’s who you are. If you tell the world around you that you are open and ready to meet the love of your life, but you’re going be living your best life in the meantime, you just wait and see what happens. I promise you, it will all change for you. In the beginning it will just be your life, and in the end it will be the appearance of a partner. I know this. I know this to be true. It’s why I’m writing it to you today as a single person who has deleted every app and isn’t scared for one second, but rather sitting on cloud nine because I have all this time and a heart that is hopelessly romantic and ready to receive.
Also remember this. What will be, will be. Perhaps even the action of plowing all our hope into a single finger swiping across a screen is one that puts too much pressure on the situation. After all, our parents, grandparents, and every one before them, met the old fashioned way. We can too. And maybe it’s time we all say “see you later” to the apps and step back into the real world again, where a smile in line for a coffee can change your whole world. And if you’re staring down at your screen in that moment, there’s a chance you could missed the love of your life in that very moment. While you were texting with Mr. Wrong, Mr. Right was right there in front of you!
So yeah, bye bye “swipe to love”… I’m putting my faith in the real world.
Equally, I’m single. So if anyone has a tall handsome man to set me up with…. Taking recommendations!
Such a good post & such wonderful advice. I had a really good friend tell me when I was single that I would only truly be ready for love when I was fully in love with my single life. When I was content with the possibility of being on my own forever because then I would “choose” to have a partner join me. And not settle for a relationship.
Live & love your single life – get out there & explore this big beautiful world and who knows what might happen!! A decade later from that life changing conversation I met my partner and I still choose him every day for the past 16 years.
I deleted the dating apps about two yrs ago. All the same guys, all the time, nothing ever going anywhere. It was hard, it’s still hard being the single friend in a sea of married and families. I decided to start my doctorate to fill some time, and thinking what comes after that. I go to hockey games alone and talk to people there, I’ll go to concerts and other events alone if no one else is interested, it came a time when if I wanted to live I had to chose it for myself. I will not lie, there are lonely days and nights and I do not have a magic wand to wave those away, but at some point we have to choose between waiting for someone and being that person for ourselves.
Emily – I blooming love this!!! And I actually joined a social club last year to widen my social circle (platonic as well as potential romantic) and was then rubbish at going because it felt too awkward to forge these new friendships … it was only towards the end of the year that I realised I was wasting my money if I never went and I’ve already made some lovely new friends since even if I haven’t met anyone romantically! But ooooh – the idea that dating apps are the new dieting apps – pretending to cheer you one whilst secretly needing you to fail!! Well 😱😱😱😱😱 – it rings a little too true!! So here’s to being out there having fun anyway, and if you just happen to meet the eye of someone interesting … all the better!!!
Yes Emily! I love this. Life is too short to let a tiny little computer rule our fate and have us jumping through hooops!
Emily, I decently discovered you and want to express my appreciation for your outfit inspiration and the Dior lipstick recc. Thank you!!!
Re; the newsletter- good for you! I know zero about dating apps. I married a man I met at 19 and spent much of the following 26 years trying to know myself in a difficult situation.
The minute I was free, a stranger liked a
Micro-poem I wrote on Twitter and the rest is a beautiful dream with a side of struggle . Long distance and immigration drama, separated by covid, we have now been married for 5 years. What did I learn? By making me the best version of myself I attracted someone who did the same without even looking . Our dream partner isn’t waiting for a project, they’re busy having a life. There is nothing to lose by loving ourselves and making ourselves happy. My favourite accessory you share? Your smile. You look happy and warm and interesting and fun. Let’s be pals!
Best regards,
Jen
Emily I resonated with this so much, thank you for sharing. Im taking a note out of your book and I’ve never felt more satisfaction than i did just now after deleting my account across 3 dating apps today. I was putting all my hope into a tiny silly screen and at the hands of an algorithm that made me feel less than more often than not and in no way empowered me to take control of my dating life in the right way. 🙌🏻
Love this! My mindset exactly- you captured it beautifully. I was married for 15 years, happily divorced now for 6. I’ve had a two year relationship, a two-day rendezvous and everything in between. No one has matched my energy. Same girl same! For the first time in my life however, I am so happy and so content being single. I have so much love in my life to be grateful for. I’m going to enjoy life to the fullest until I meet the man that enhances my life and makes me even happier. It’s comforting to know you feel the same sister! In years past I spent countless hours going on dates and on dating apps but I learned a lot and it’s brought me to where I am now. Cheers to a new year and seeing what surprises each day may bring! 🥂
It’s not a completely terrible idea to go through your friends’ address books. They get you to go out to do something fun (doesn’t have to be the eventual one!!) with a nice person deep in their address book. Who in turn has a friend they bring – or several if you want. Go and do something you like doing. Everyone is ‘verifiably’ single and definitely connected to someone you know – which means some of you have things in common. Commit to going out several times a month on this basis. That’s how we used to do it in the 90’s xxxx
1000% Agree. I am also single and looking for my lobster, but the apps just weren’t working for me. I gave myself the gift of a break from them over the holidays and I don’t see myself going back. This was everything I was feeling. Thank you.
Love this! Needing to embark into the dating world again but apps really damaged me the last time I was on them. You are giving me the inspiration and courage to get out there in real life!
I can’t even explain how on point and on time this post is.
I, too, have been slogging through the dismal and impersonal apps hoping for the magic swipe. To no avail!
I live in Maine- so if you happen to know any interesting, kind, handsome in these parts, always open!
And I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for you too!
Cheers! And have fun out there!
What a great article!
I am almost 40, and a couple of months ago I decided I am not coming back to apps. Ever.
And I loved the way you explained the logic behind this decision! Totally can relate to that!
Yes, let’s live the best version of our lives!
I really hope he’s at the package hut at my apt complex because I’ve deleted mine too. I actually found 2 people on the apps in my complex and even those didn’t work out lol 😂 You are right, I need to get out in the world. I haven’t bought gas for my car since 12/5. 😳 I’m nearly 49 and haven’t dated since the person I thought was going to be the love of my life passed away and now I just need to love my life and whatever happens will happen.
All the best to us! XO
Hi Emily, i recently came across you on instagram and started following you. I really like this blog post about the app, completely agree with you. About a year ago i deleted all the apps , i was exhausted and hopeless to meet someone there that is not looking to just have sex no strings attached. So I decided that enough was enough. Well i wish you the best finding the one. I will continue reading your posts and following you on IG.
It’s amazing how my world has opened up (and how my community has benefitted from my days of volunteering every week) just by saying it’s okay to be single. It’s not just okay, it’s fun to be single. And it’s incredibly rewarding to be single.
You’ve taken a giant step to believing that, Emily, with your “what will be will be” advice. What will be might not be what you’d been looking for, but it can be so much more.
Wake up every morning and say out loud, “I choose joy,” and see how your whole day reflects that in both how much you have to give and how much comes back as a result. Your beautiful smile shows it!